British panda lovers delighted as Kung Fu Panda 3 to feature Christian Bale and Chen Guangcheng

Christian Bale announces he will star in Kung Fu panda 3, a prison escape featuring Guang Guang, a blind self-taught Panda who was imprisoned after aiding damsels in distress using a rare but useless Kung Fu technique called “ The Law“
This year has been a great year for China and for British panda lovers. In December, after months of anticipation, Tian Tian and Guang Guang finally left Sichuan province, and began to settle into their new home in Edinburgh. Known as China's national treasure, it was a great honour for Scotland, which is still part of Britain, to be allowed to rent the pandas for 10 years at a cost of only 6 million RMB, plus $100,000 per year of bamboo. The British people will always remember the generosity of China in loaning national treasures to us. According to British intelligence, Tian Tian will be “in the mood for love“ in February, and we hope that she will give the British people a son or daughter. Many Britons would like to be Chinese one day, and know this is not possible, so it is a great consolation for us to know that the Chinese pandas may give their only son to Britain. The British people would like to do their bit to preserve the panda race, and we are all rooting for Guang Guang. According to Chinese law, as members of a minority nationality, Britons are allowed to have more than one child, and the Chinese government have generously extended this generosity to pandas residing in Britain. Maybe Tian Tian will bring “double happiness“ to the Britain, which since 2008 has been suffering from a deep shortage of pandas.
Manwhile, Christian Bale finished his movie the Flowers of War, a movie about the Nanjing massacre, in which tens of millions of people are massacred by the Japanese Anti Panda Party. After he had finished filming, Bale decided to publicise his coorporation with China by paying a visit to China's national treasure Guang Guang‘s twin at his home village in Shandong province. Unfortunately, on the way there, he met some amateur actors rehearsing for a Kung Fu movie who thought that he was a stuntman and, before the misunderstanding could be cleared up, they practiced their kung fu on him, causing him several minor cuts and bruises.

According to a reliable source who did not wish to be named, Bale has been inspired by this episode to audition for Kung Fu Panda 3, an animated action epic in which hordes of Chinese pand-izens, led by Hong Kong pandas Zhong Zhong (种种) and his prodigy Tang Tang (唐唐) descend on the village where Guang Guang is being held in captivity, and fight their way past evil Japanese sentries who are holding Guang Guang hostage, in order to free Guang Guang, who belongs to a subspecies of Chinese pandas, known as “dissident pandas“, of which there are very few left in the wild, their mostly being held in various forms of captivity for their own safety and for the benefit of the National Chinese Panda breeding programme. In the story, Guang Guang was imprisoned after attempting to help distressed panda damsels using a little used Kung Fu technique known as “The Law“. “I told them we are all equal before the Law“, said Guang Guang during rehearsals “but they just told me to shut up and punched me! “
There are opportunities for extras and anyone who would like celebrate the Chinese New Year of the Dragon in kung fu fighting style is welcome to join rehearsals this Christmas. “ Said director Zhong Zhong. We will be enacting the crowd scenes where Guang Guang is rescued soon. We will need hundreds of extras; basic Kung Fu training will be provided, please come in full Kung Fu panda costume. “

The Chinese government responded positively to the news of Panda 3. A government spokesman told reporters today : “Guang Guang is a national treasure. He is a learned panda and has rescued many panda damsels in distress. Due to his extreme rarity, and tendency to disrupt traffic, it may be necessary to keep him in captivity indefinitely. “

The British government was also pleased by the news, saying, “ we welcome any initiative which brings jobs to Britain.“ British panda lovers queued all night for the preview of “Flowers of War“.

中文版

Written by Stephen Thompson on 2011-12-23 in Shenzhen,China